Gundam World Text Humor
by Tyrenol
Summary: Mashymer Cello takes every little tidbit of the Gundam world, pumps it into a Colony, and drops it on your butts! (Chapter four includes some fun with Vandread.)
1. Char's Counter! Attack. ^_^;

Disclaimer: Everything Gundam belongs to Sotsu Agency and Sunrise. Everything else belongs to their rightful owners. Beware of mad pitbulls with jaws powerful enough to rip off your head. ^_^; 

Disclaimer 2: This is only built for Cuban lynx. Gundam started in 1979; building up its following through reruns and sequels during the '80s. This is a collection of "joke grenades" dealing with characters from the original Mobile Suit Gundam, Zeta, Double Zeta, 0080 War In The Pocket, 0083 Stardust Memories, The 8th Platoon, Char's Counterattack, Victory Gundam, God Gundam, and Wing Gundam / Endless Waltz. But it leans more to the Universal Calender than one would believe. So if you don't know; don't be afraid to punch "Gundam" into your search engine. You might wanna add "-Wing" to it though. 

****************   
GUNDAM WORLD TEXT HUMOR   
**************** 

Amuro: Hey, Char! What's with all that cleaning equipment?   
Char: My "counter-attack," of course. 

-=*=- 

Char: You say that this new mobile armor can utilize the pwoers of a Newtype. So, why does it look like a "rubber ducky?" 

A sign that the war had taken in way too many hippies from the '70's. 

-=*=- 

If Gihren had a Malcolm X fetish instead of a Hitler fetish... 

Gihren: [Making one of his speaches...] You'll be horn-swaggled! You'll be bamboozled! You'll be sideswiped, discombooberated and left in space to dehydrate! 

Degwin, in exasperation, orders his guards to pull him off of the stage. 

-=*=- 

Char freaks out when he saw Lalah's new hairstyle. 

Gremmy decides not to stalk Roux anymore after seeing her hairstyle. 

Gato realizes that Cima should be avoided whenever possible (again, because of the hairstyle). 

Treize: Hmmm... Your hairstyle seems to be extremely popular as of late, Lady Une.   
Une: Oh, really? 8) 

-=*=- 

Gato: Huh? The GP02... Looks... Like a coffee maker. 

Kou can only nod in aggreement as Gato realizes that Nina had made that Gundam. 

-=*=- 

The Lake Victoria training base explodes that night. 

Noin: MY SCHOOL!! MY STUDENTS!!   
Wu Fei: And now I will show them the power of my N- HUH?! WHERE'S MY NATAKU??!! 

Gato: [Coming out of Shenlong Gundam] And it was just lying there, out in the open!   
Delaz: What an incredibly stupid pilot. 

-=*=- 

Rosamia: B... Brother?   
Camille: Gulp! 

Elpeo: Brother!   
Judau: Da Heck?! 

Mashymer: Dear brother!   
Shiro: AAAAHH!! Hey, look: Just because "Shiro" and "Serro" sound about the same DOES NOT MAKE US RELATED!!   
Haman: [From the background.] You can have him for all I care. 

-=*=- 

Chuck: You can gawk at the Gundams all you want. I'm gonna check out the chicks. HEY, BABES?! ANY OF YOU WANNA MASSAGE?! I GOT "MAGIC FINGERS!"   
Mora: [Her face super-impossed all over Chuck's small frame.] "Magic Fingers?!" Well of course I would like a massage, you nasty little thing you! 

Kou looks over at Godzilla (Mora) thrashing around a small figure (poor Chuck) around her mouth. 

Kou: At least Gundams don't dump you for a better pilot... 

-=*=- 

Steiner (Zugock-E): Okay, guys! Let's make it painful and quick!   
Misha (Hygogg): DA, COMRAD!! VICTORY TO ZION!! 

The Hygoggs and Zugock-E attack the Antarctic Base. And when the smoke clears... Two dazed and confused MS are found. 

Zechs (Tallgeese): Duuuu... What happened...?   
Heero (Wing Gundam): My mission... ...my mission... 

Steiner (Zugock-E): Uh... Wrong universe?   
Misha (Hygogg): Oops! Sorry! 

-=*=- 

Char and Amuro are in another one of their fights. 

Relena: STOP THIS!! YOU MUST NOT FIGHT!! 

She gets in the way and is immediately stabbed by Amuro and Char. They both snapped out of it to see what they did. 

Char and Amuro: [Bowing to Milliardo] WE'RE SO SORRY!!   
Milliardo: [Holding a dead Relena] You know...   
Heero: Woah. These guys do a much better job than me. 

-=*=- 

Treize: [With Lady Une in the background.] The Epyon is the strongest MS made. It's also got the "Zero System" which enables the pilot to act without hesitation... 

They look towards the Epyon, sitting in a sulking position and spreading its presence of gloom and despair. 

Treize: Get out!   
Lady Une: But this guy was just tweaking the system...   
Amuro: [With tears in his eyes.] Sorry... 

-=*=- 

Bosque punches Bright around. 

Judau punches Bright out of anger from the Federation's cowardice. 

Catherine punches Bright in the face(?!) 

Mirai: [Dashes in and cradles her crying husband in her lap.] WHAT THE HECK IS IT WITH YOU PEOPLE??!!   
Catherine: Oh, I'm sorry. I thought it was some sort of contest... 

-=*=- 

At a bar somewhere... 

Rain: [Already drunk.] How dare he! I can't believe that Domon would dump me for his Gundam!   
????: That's SO low.   
Rain: It's like he treats his mobile suit better than he treats me!   
????: No respect whatsoever, girl.   
Rain: Well, I GOT FEELINGS TOO, DANGIT!!   
????: Yeah, that's right! 

Rain starts crying as the person who had listened to her pasts her head. 

Rain: Thanks for understanding...!   
Lateura: [Patting Rain's head.] I fell in the same trap too, you know... 

-=*=- 

The 8th MS Platoon battles it out with Zion soldiers. 

Radio DJ: And now here's something for you militants in the 8th Platoon! It's been requested by Eledore Massis himself and he hopes that you guys win this fight! 

The song starts to play; and it's one of those weird techno-space songs that have played during the 80's. Everyone, including the Zions, start wondering what's going on. 

Radio DJ: Oops! Wrong CD! Okay, let me see... 

The song changes... This time, into some Puffy Comb style rap song. 

Norris (Gouf Custom): Man. Your friend's got some weird taste. 

Eledore: [In his hospital bed, exasperated.] Dangit! I should've known better than to request my song during "newbie season." 

-=*=- 

A transport ship en route to Earth spots a running battle between a Feddie MS and Zion's Zaku RD4 Prototype. 

Shiro: I have to help fight that Zaku!   
Michael: Don't be a fool! The only thing we have on this ship is a... 

Aina prepares the final blow to her enemy. But she ends up freaking out as 'Haro' bounces into the scene and bumps her out of the way. 

-=*=- 

Al's classmates (Chay and Telcott) pass by him as he draws a Zaku II. 

Chay: Hey, wha'cha drawin'?   
Al: A Zaku II. Mobile suits are cool.   
Dorothy: That's right. Mobile suits ARE cool. 

The real Dorothy (from 0080) does a flying kick into Wing Dorothy's face. 

Dorothy '80: STOP TAKING MY PLACE!! 

-=*=- 

Relena: Here are the new students of this school. 

Yazan: I'm Yazan Gable, the foul-mouthed Titan pilot you can call "the Blue Comet!"   
Eledore: And I'm Eledore Massis. PARTY ON, PEACE-LOVING DUDES AND DUDETTES!! 

Relena: Why am I getting all these weirdoes...? 

-=*=- 

Chibodee is frightened of clowns, as proven by Trowa's visit as said clown. 

Dozel: DON'T BE SUCH A CHICKEN, YOU COWARD!! STAND UP AGAINST YOUR FEARS!! 

Chibodee: You're right. You're even scarier that the clown. (With Trowa nodding in agreement.)   
Dozel: Why thanks. I take great pride in knowing how scary I am. 

-=*=- 

Wufei: I need a reason to keep fighting! That's why I wish to join you, Mariemaya!   
Mariemaya: Very good. Let's meet the rest of my troops. 

Chara: (Dancing around in a daze.) Hi! I'm Chara Soon!   
Aina: (Drinking tomato juice.) And I'm Aina Sakhalin. 

Mariemaya's about to introduce Four Murasame (who's wearing a Christmas Tree and posing like a bufoon) when she notices Wufei leaving quickly... 

-=*=- 

Relena: Hi. I'm Relena Darlian, the rich girl who believes that war can be won by pacifism. 

Chris: (Impersonating Relena.) I also stalk a psychopathic killer because I can't get a real boyfriend.   
Relena: HEY! Don't make fun of me!   
Marvette: (Impersonating Relena.) Right! Don't make fun of the most popular "flapper" to grace the lives of total losers! 

Relena snaps, punching the two women into the air and screaming... 

Noin: Hi, I'm Lucrezia Noin. And ordering around little boys gets me all hot. 

-=*=- 

Heero: I must fight Amuro and prove that I can defeat a Newtype.   
Dr. J: DON'T BE A FOOL, HEERO! The Newtypes are very dangerous opponents! First of all, they have little-to-no lives whatsoever..! 

Hayato finds a mushroom (Amuro) in his room.   
Hayato: Uh... Bright...?! 

Dr. J: Their personalities are unpredictable..! 

Zechs: NOIN!! HELP ME!! THIS "THING" IS ATTACHING TO ME AND I CAN'T GET IT OFF!!   
Noin: Zechs... She's Rozamia Vadam...   
Rozamia: Brother! 

Dr. J: And they're ready to combust at any given time! 

An Elpeo Puru clone pops right in front of Haman and Gremmy; catching them both off guard. 

Gremmy: YIKES! Sorry about that.   
Haman: GREMMY!! 

-=*=- 

Mashymer: Judau! Now's not the time to be sucking gas from Jupitor for the rest of your life.   
Judau: But the newer Gundam shows are taking over now.   
Mashymer: Nonsense! As long as we got video tapes and DVDs, our legend will continue to live on! 

Later that day... 

Mashymer: HEY!! THAT'S A GUNDAM WING DVD!! 

Heero's in the background smiling his butt off. His mission was successful. 

Judau: It's even worse! It's a fan-made Gundam Wing DVD made by the Backstreet Boys! 

An anvil hits on top of Heero's head. He didn't expect that to happen. 

-=*=- 

Titan Members: Ca-Mi-Ille!   
Camille: QUIT MAKING FUN OF MY NAME, YOU JERKS!! 

Quattro: Don't let them get to you, kid.   
Camille: Huh? And who the heck are you?   
Quattro: Oh, you can refer to me as Quattro (Censored). 

Camille: THAT'S IT!! I'm off to get that much-deserved sex-change.   
Quattro: ALRIGHT, ALRIGHT!! I'M CHAR! CHAR AZNAVEL!! ARE YOU HAPPY NOW?! 

-=*=- 

Gato: How do I look?   
Orville: You look great, sir. That's a perfect disguise. But... Why are we going through so much trouble...? 

Meanwhile, most of the schoolgirls are staring dooey-eyed at the two guys as they enter the school. 

Gato: I'm sure that Heero goes to this school! The sooner we find his Gundam... The sooner I can stop being "shonen-ai bait." 

-=*=- 

Char: (In his Ziong) It's bad enough that this MA doesn't have legs. [Kicking is my specialty, mind you.] But I don't know what it's really capable of doing. 

And as soon as he turns it on, it starts playing a deafening tune of "Three Blind Mice. Later on, however... 

Amuro: (Holding Heero who has a large bump on his head.) i think you might be interested in the responsible party, Char.   
Char: Hmmm... Since Gihren's dead, we might end this war on a good note yet. 

-=*=- 

Hayato receives a note from Kai: 

Kai: Dear Hayato, how's Frau and the kids? Wish you luck with your own newborn. QUATRO [CENSORED] IS CHAR!! Hope to see you soon, Kai Shiden. P.S. He's also Casper Tycoon, "Remue Dadaam Herumet," and crossdresses as "Amanda Huginkiss." 

Char: As soon as we're into my Counterattack movie, I'll kill Kai. 

-=*=- 

Warren Trace, the dandy from V Gundam's League Militaire, is going to get a make-over. 

Marvette and Katejina are doing lots of work on his face and hair. They gave him a mirror when all the work is done. He looks at himself... 

Warren: I look like... Shiro Amada...? I LIKE IT! 

-=*=- 

Bright: Won Lee! What happened to you?   
Won: I went to set these five punks from Gundam Wing straight...!   
Bright: ...And I suppose they went and defended themselves, did they?   
Won: No. Their fans came and beat the crap outta me. 

-=*=- 

Gremmy: (In his Bawoo) You can't run from me forever, Roux. I'll win you from AEUG and show you our side of the story. Huh? HEY!! Who goes there?!   
Noin: (In her Taurus) I'm Lucrezia Noin from OZ! You're invading our territory and... ...you are SO cute! 

Later on Zechs looks on in exasperation as Noin lovingly holds a confused Gremmy. 

Zechs: Yikes. Teaches me not to get too involved with wars...   
Noin: Neener-neener-nee-ner! He's all mine! 

-=*=- 

Emma and her subordinates are at the MS hanger with the newly introduced Hizacks. 

Emma: Okay, troops! This'll be the first time for some of you using the Hizacks. Just think of it as advanced training. 

Soldier: But ma'am... They look like Zakues!   
Emma: Your point being, cadet?   
Soldier: (Starting to cry.) One of these things blew up my town.   
Emma: AH! Da hell! 

Karen: Hey, Ms. Sheen! I got an idea for ya! 

Quattro: A group of mobile suits are coming in at full speed, Camille!   
Camille: Yeah, but... They're all "GM-Heads." 

-=*=- 

Jerid: Hey! Who are you and why are you clinging to me so tight?!   
Dorothy: My name is Dorothy. And I just happened to like strong men. 

Jerid manages to escape Dorothy's grasp and high-tails it to parts unknown; leaving the scary-eyebrowed platinum blonde to call out his name. 

Jerid: (Walking towards Maua) Damn, her eyebrows are scary. Hey, beautiful! You won't believe what I saw... AAAAAHHHH!!!   
Maua: (Wearing fake eyebrows in an attempt to look like Dorothy.) Wel-come ba-ack. 

-=*=- 

Relena: Yazan! You can't go to school looking like a homeless bum!   
Yazan: OH! SO-RRY! 

Yazan washes his clothes, takes a shower, and properly grooms himself. He comes back with an aura of cleanliness around him. But he still looks like a homeless bum. 

Relena: (Exasperated.) You're missing the point... 

-=*=- 

Heero: I need to get Relena out of my hair.   
Gato: I have a perfect solution for you, fellow colon. 

Relena: Heero! I'm here to see you a- OOF!! 

Heero punches her in the stomach. Later on Noin and Nina finds poor Relena in a garbage container. 

Noin: Seems that Heero's been getting lessons from Gato.   
Nina: (Crying.) Men are SO mean! 

-=*=- 

Paptimus: Ah, I can see the future now. The era of Newtypes will come into full bloom. And beautiful ladies will lead mankind to the stars... 

Chara: (Dancing like a hippie in front of her crew.) Shake dat booty! Shake dat booty! 

Maria Pia Armonia: (Holding a jug of beer.) WHAT TIME IS IT?!   
Everyone else: MILLER TIME!! 

The League Militaire's Shrikes are playing "Truth or Dare" as Helen Jackson causes the ladies to bust out laughing as she impersonates a monkey. 

Allenby had yet again beaten another victim in video games. Her latest is the Red Comet himself, Char Aznavel. 

Jerid: You don't really get out that much. Do you, Scirocco?   
Paptimus: The gasses of Jupitor had effected my brain so much... 

-=*=- 

Zechs: Here's your MS, Heero. Take it. 

Heero then proceeds to beat Zechs senseless with a large 2x4 after finding out that the mobile suit he was trying to give him is an Agguy. 

Duo: HEY! What's wrong with the Agguy?! It's a cool MS! 

-=*=- 

Duo: Tee-hee! I have long hair! 

Mashymer: Hmph. So do I.   
Gato: Some say that I look better with my hair out! 

Hayato: Ingrates! I keep my hair short! You got a problem with that?! 

Duo: Hahahaha! You look like a- MMPH!!   
Gato: QUIET, KNAVE!!   
Mashymer: Anybody who can land Frau Bow deserves great respect. 

-=*=- 

Quatre: LET'S JOIN FORCES, GUYS!!   
Misha, Gordon, Norris, and Kelly: And do what, kid?!   
Quatre: [Oops! I called the wrong people!] And uh... And uh... AND BEAT UP ON WUFEI FOR BEIGN SO LOUSY WITH WOMEN!!   
Kelly: It's too late for that kid. 

The next scene shows Lateura (Kelly's girlfriend) slamming poor Wufei with an interdimensional mallet. 

-=*=- 

Judau: You gotta have a bit more backbone, Ino. Or the ladies won't like you.   
Ino: I know. But it's just so hard. Take your sister for instance.   
Judau: My sist- WAAAAH!!   
Leina (with Cima's face): Welcome back, Judau. Hey, what are you guys so startled at? 

Meanwhile... 

Cima (with Leina's face): Welcome back, Gato-chan!   
Gato: EEEEKK!!   
Aiguille: DR. J!! 

Dr. J: Uh-oh... 

-=*=- 

Haman: Zechs. Swartz. Let's join forces.   
Zechs: Haman Kahn, huh?   
Haman: But there's something I need you to do first.   
Swartz: Yes, what is it?! 

Later on, Haman walks in with Zechs (maskless, and his hair dyed purple to look like Mashymer) and Swartz (also maskless, with a haircut to look like Gordon). 

Haman: Now we can go.   
Swartz: (Shocked.) DA HIFL??!!   
Zecks: Curiouser and curiouser. 

-=*=- 

Treize: Let's fight, Amuro.   
Amuro: Awwh... Okay. You're into fencing, right?   
Treize: That's right. (Holding his rapier.) The way of the sword is the essense of choreographic art; the language that can only be spoken between two combatants in chivalrous combat... 

Amuro walks in all decked out in his kendo uniform and, with his bokken, gets into his stance. 

Treize: ...hmph... "I'm no good with swords, Treize. Let's fight in MS, Treize." I might have some fun after all. 

-=*=- 

Dorothy enters the scene with a whole bunch of roses in the background, catching Four by surprise. But Four has her own rose background, catching Dorothy off guard. 

Dorothy: Oh dear. Roses from you? I didn't know you have such great interests in them.   
Four: But they're so wonderful. They smell like the first day of spring. 

Meanwhile, Treize is crying and scratching on the door of the greenhouse shop which had just ran out of roses. Mashymer and M'quve are looking onward in confusion. 

M'quve: So this must be the Treize Kushrenada that everyone's talking about.   
Mashymer: Apparently his fetish for roses became an addiction. Sad, huh? 

-=*=- 

It's the final battle between Camille (in his Zeta) and Paptimus (in his The-O). The later's hard to defeat and getting the upper hand due to his incredible Newtype powers. But Camille gets help from the ghosts of his loved ones. Four. Emma. Rozamia. Misha?! 

Camille: HUH?! What are you doing here?!   
Misha: What?! Can't a reformed ghost of a former Zion officer help out a fellow Colon in need?!   
Gato: That's right! Even when our spirits escape our bodies, we must stick together in times of peril!   
Cima: Yeah. Sure. Right. Screw all these pop-stars, kid. I'll show you how it's done the right way.   
Camille: HEY! My head is NOT a Holiday Inn!   
Hilda: Camille. Are you wearing clean underwear?   
Camille: MOM!! 

Paptimus (The-O): Uh... Arst thou ready yet...? 

-=*=- 

Bright: Well, so much for that bloody hell. We wiped out most of the Titans, but we didn't come out squeaky clean ourselves. 

Bright's refering to the piece of corn (Camille) in the corner that Pha's crying on. 

Pha: That evil man! What dastardly thing did he do to make you this way, Camille?! 

In Camille's mind, Paptimus is in his 60's get-up and playing non-stop disco. 

Paptimus: "Flappin' my arms I begin to clutch! Dan-dan-dadadan-daa-da! Look at ME! I'm a disco duck!"   
Camille: AAAAAAHH!! STOP IT!! 

-=*=- 

Gihren's about to make a speech, in front of Side 3's people, about the death of his brother Garma. As he starts, small snickers start to escape from the crowd. And Gihren notices this with pure outrage. 

Gihren: YOU, SOLDIER! Would you mind letting the rest of us in on your little joke? 

Soldier: Sir...! A rubber ducky is on your screen. 

Gihren turns around to find only his brother's handsome face on said screen. But, as he makes his decision to walk back to his podium, he realizes that it's gonna be another one of those days. 

He starts again with his speech. Random images that flicker behind him composed of bad kindergarten drawings, rubber ducks on turntables, and pieces of cheese fishing in the river. The crowd snicker and giggle out of control. And poor Gihren sighs in exasperation as his father, despite the lost of his prized son, tries to keep a sense of humor amongst himself. 

-=*=- 

Kycilia: So, you're the great Char Aznavel. Let's take off our masks then, shall we.   
Char: Why, of course. 

They both take off their masks. But Char starts to go in shock as he looks at Kycilia. 

Char: Uh... Madam? Forgive my rudeness, but... Aren't you suppose to be... Older?   
Kycilia: (With tears in her eyes.) So you're that evil Red Comet that everyone's talking about. How could such a handsome man do such horrible acts?! And wasn't Garma your friend?! 

Meanwhile the other Kycilia, the older one who's a Zabi, is merrily serving food at a restaraunt on one of the moon cities. Judau, Elle, Millie, and Tores go into shock as they find out who she really is. 

Kycilia Zabi: It's a good thing I switched places with that girl. What was I thinking? 

-=*=- 

Leo 1: This fog is SO thick! I can cut it with a beam sword!   
Leo 2: Keep your wits about you, soldier! If these Gundams can wipe the floor with those other troops, you definitely don't wanna be caught off guard! 

*CRASH!!* 

Leo 2: Huh?! IT'S A GUN...! ...dam...?   
Leo 1: And it crashed into a side of a building 12 miles from here. I told you that this fog is trouble. 

G Wing: (Emerging from the rubble.) Especially when a flock of crows get in your way when you go mach-II. -_-; 

-=*=- 

It's raining outside as Amuro heads for shelter. He ends up meeting a lady (Lalah) on the porch of a nearby house. He decides to head there so he can atleast start a conversation. 

As soon as he arrives, she points to the nearby lake where a swan is about to make its landing... 

And then the poor swan had to duck a blast from a shotgun. It flies away, being chased by three guys in a jeep. And they just happened to be the Black Trinity (Marsh, Gaia, and Ortega). 

Amuro: (Exasperated.) HEY!! DIDN'T I JUST FUNERALIZED YOU GUYS??!!   
Lalah: My golly-goodness! These gentlemen are the ones that tried my special Slurpee I had on sale.   
Amuro: Special... Slurpee...? Uh... ...What, I'm afraid to ask, is so "special" about it?   
Lalah: It gives you "script immunity." 

And with that, our poor hero gets bonked with a cake pan that fell from out of nowhere... 


	2. Relena the [Censored]

Disclaimer: Everything Gundam belongs to Sotsu Agency and Sunrise. Everything else belongs to their rightful owners.   
Beware of mad pitbulls with jaws powerful enough to rip off your head. ^_^; 

Disclaimer 2: This is only built for Cuban lynx. Gundam started in 1979; building up its following through reruns and sequels   
during the '80s. This is a collection of "joke grenades" dealing with characters from the original Mobile Suit Gundam, Zeta,   
Double Zeta, 0080 War In The Pocket, 0083 Stardust Memories, The 8th Platoon, Char's Counterattack, Victory Gundam,   
God Gundam, and Wing Gundam / Endless Waltz. But it leans more to the Universal Calendar than one would believe. At any rate: Here's more of the worst, just like the first. 

****************   
GUNDAM WORLD TEXT HUMOR MACH II   
**************** 

Relena was the girl that became a princess. Then the princess became a queen... 

Marvette: So what do you think will happen next?   
Junko: Well, if it's anything like Katejina... 

Relena: (Dressed in Zeon-like apparel and looking completely scary.) I'll destroy every MS I see in order for universal peace. 

Heero & Zechs are running towards her with stuff they need to kill her. 

-=*=- 

Trowa: I like animals. I love all wild animals. (Petting Shaqi's dog Flanders.)   
Flanders: Uh... Comrade... I'm not wild. I'm a family dog.   
Gordon: Okay. Since you're so good with animal, then what can you do about...? 

Gordon's referring to Chara Soon who's found dry-humping one of Neo-Zion's newly made MS. 

-=*=- 

Heero: Mission accepted. I'll beat the UC Gundam characters. 

Heero points his gun at Jamitov Hyman, who turns around and suddenly notices him. 

Jamitov: An assassination, huh? Very well. But my death shall fuel the hatred for you Colon scum. And your Sides will explode for the sake of Earthnoid superiority! 

Heero: Never mind, then. (Walks away.)   
Jamitov: HEY!! I'M NOT DONE WITH MY SPEECH YET!! 

-=*=- 

Aina: HEY YOU! Get off of my Apsalus! You'll kill us both if you don't!   
Shiro: So you can use it against my friends?! Never! 

The Apsalus flies around until it runs out of fuel. And it ends up crashing... Into a hot springs hotel. 

Later on Ginias turns a shade of white as he finds his sister fixing the roof of the hotel with Shiro. 

Ginias: My beloved sister working with a Feddie ticks me off enough. But when the heads of Zion see this picture, I'll be the laughing stock of the whole principality. 

-=*=- 

Titan pilots: CA-MI-ILLE!!   
Camille: QUIT MAKING FUN OF MY NAME!! Especially when you have a leader who's named "Jamitov Hyman!"   
Titan pilots: But he'll kill us.   
Camille: OH, FOR THE LOVE OF...!!! 

Camille comes back the next day dressed as a woman; causing poor Pha to cry her heart out. 

-=*=- 

Zechs: I did it! I had finally defeated Char!   
Char: But there are more enemies that you have to face, my dear photo-copy.   
Zechs: They can do whatever they want. I will defeat them if... AK!! 

Zechs takes one look at Ginias Sahalin... And then he loses all sanity as he runs around and smashes into things. 

Ginias: Oh, that reminds me... APSALUS II!! 

-=*=- 

Heero(G-Wing): Something big's coming right at me. It's too big to be a mobile suit. But it can't be a mobile armor. I wonder what it is.   
Elpeo(Quin Mantha): I'm neither a mobile suit nor a mobile armor. I'm PURU!! 

The Quin Mantha grabs Gundam Wing into a headlock; giving it a noogie as her foe tries to struggle out of her grip... 

Gremmy: Hey, Puru-2. Didn't you just put that rogue Puru to rest?   
Puru-2: Dude. You created, like, forty of us. Remember? 

-=*=- 

Gihren: If father didn't hold me down, Zion would've won the war in a matter of months. My IQ surpasses those of the most critical thinkers during its time.   
Wu Fei: So tell me, Gihren. If you're so smart... THEN HOW COME YOU'RE AS BAD A DRAWER AS DOMON??!! 

Wu Fei grudgingly refers to that picture of himself that Domon couldn't draw (and neither could Gihren, it seems). It's enlarged and on the wall of his room. 

Gihren: It's ART, my fellow Colon. It's a highly opinionated style. 

-=*=- 

Char: They said that they were going to include your Haro in Gundam Wing.   
Amuro: I decided against it. 

(Flashback) 

Relena: Why, how do you do, Haro.   
Haro: Haro! Relena's a [censored] [censored] skank! Haro! 

Relena snaps from that comment and starts chasing it around with a heat hawk. 

(End Flashback) 

Char: I guess your Haro must be programmed to be rude as well.   
Amuro: Actually, it was because Relena's so easy to tick off. 

-=*=- 

As the Feds finally close in on the disfigured Neo-Zion fleet, the search for Minerva Zabi ends up incomplete. What they found instead was a clone of the last Zabi. 

Bright: Bloody hell. I wonder where she could've gone to? 

Mariemaya: I could help them out... But... That would give away my C-cret.   
Dekim: That you're actually "her?"   
Mariemaya: No. That I'm as bad a rip-off as Zechs. 

Zechs: (From somewhere else.) HE-EY!!! 

-=*=- 

Dozel: HA! Once the Big-Zam gets mass-produced, the Feddie forces will be wiped out at an instant! 

GM: (Kneeling down to the Big-Zam.) Oh please, Mr. Zam. Be merciful and spare our lives.   
Big-Zam: Why sure! NOT! (Starts stomping on the poor group of GMs.) 

Meanwhile, Kycilia and Garma are exasperated as they look at Dozel playing with his toys. 

Kycilia: Whoever coin the phrase, "I don't wanna grow up..."   
Garma: Is already dead, sis. 

-=*=- 

Emma Sheen and Reccoa Lond are fighting it out. 

Relena: STOP THIS!! YOU MUST NOT FIGHT!!   
Haro: (Hopping from out of nowhere.) Right! Because Relena [censored] [censored] [censored] worse than Dorothy! Haro! 

Relena once again gets mad and chases Haro with a 90mm Gelgoog submachine gun. Dorothy follows suit and tries to stop Relena from hurting "such a cute thing." Emma and Reccoa look towards the situation in disgust... 

Emma: Hey, I got an idea. Let's play chess instead.   
Reccoa: Whoever loses must come back to the side they defected from.   
Emma: You're on! 

-=*=- 

Relena: (Crying.) You're wrong, brother!   
Zechs: Relena. It amazes me how much you've grown... 

Sayla: (Angered.) You're wrong, brother!   
Char: (On a hospital bed with his broken leg on a sling.) It's bad enough that Beltochika broke my leg [for turning Amuro into an even worse whiner], but to go to the hospital where my sister works at? My luck _must_ be bad. 

-=*=- 

Gihren: (Speaking with Degwin.) As you can see, dear father; my solar ray will be a complete success. All I want is for you to sign this paper, and we shall be on our way. Father...? Father?   
Degwin: ...hhhhnnnnnnhhh... 

Degwin's secretary comes over to him. And then she lifts up his hand to check his pulse... 

Later on the medics come by and try to place him on the gurney. Gihren, meanwhile, is still in total shock. 

-=*=- 

Heero: Say good-bye, Amuro.   
Amuro: Huh?! YOU'RE GONNA KILL ME??!! (A storm of gloom and despair forms over him.) He's gonna kill me... He's actually gonna kill me...! 

Heero shoots at his poor fellow teen... With a "Super Soaker Gun." 

Heero: Say good-bye to your shirt! Can't you take a joke?! 

-=*=- 

Eledore and Michel walk by, noticing Usso, Shaqi, Warren, Odelo, and Suzy raising a fuss. 

Michel: They must be the poor war orphans from Woowig.   
Eledore: I'm stoked, dude. "Warphans!"   
Odelo: Da Hell?! Do I look like some sort of dolphin to you?! (Grabs Eledore by the collar.) Am I some sea mammal that jumps through hoops for your enjoyment?! :mad:   
Michel: Don't hurt 'em, man! He's a hippie! 

Shiro: Yep... A hippie. 

Poor Shiro sighs in defeat as he looks toward Eledore's GM (which is covered with "Love-&-Peace" graffiti by the way. 

-=*=- 

Dr. J has a struggling Lady Une tied to some machine for him to use. 

Dr. J: Don't worry, my dear. After this, you will never have to worry about your split personality again. 

Dr. J turns on the machine and lets it work some magic on poor Lady Une. 

The next day Treize walks by to find Dr. J smashing up the same machine in fear and disgust. Treize is about to ask the doctor why he's doing it... And then grudgingly decides against it when he finds Lady Une... wearing an OZ cap sideways and acting like Puff Daddy. 

-=*=- 

Zechs and his crew are in their spaceship, receiving a message about falling space debris. 

Zechs: Their sensors are blind. What type of space debris rides on an "atmospheric entry path?" 

His crew turn out to be Beecha and Mondo. 

Beecha: (Whispering to Mondo.) Bet'cha $50 he ripped that off from Char.   
Mondo: (Whispering to Beecha.) You're on.   
Zechs: (Sick of all the jokes about him, he takes off his helmet to show that he's BALD!) I'll see your $50 raise it to $100 that Char's bald like me! 

Meanwhile Char smirks as he starts to shave his own head. But Lalah grabs his wrist. 

Lalah: Don't even think about it, Chucky! 

-=*=- 

Mirai and her daughter Cheimin walk through the park and towards a wall with millions of names written on it. 

Cheimin: Is that all the people that fought and died between the One Year War and the Second Neo-Zion War? 

Mirai: No, dear. That's the many woman that Char had slept with before he met his end in CCA. (Smirking...) Oh, look! There's Lu-Cre-Zia Noin...! 

Zechs crashes his ship from out of the sky (the same ship from the last joke) and pops from the crash. 

Zechs: NOOOO!! WHERE??!!   
Mirai: Just kidding. 

-=*=- 

Zechs: (Crying.) Why is everybody making fun of me?!   
Heero: (On his computer.) Because we're rip-offs. Our purpose of "Gundam Wing" is to be the Universal Calendar for newbies and drooling fangirls. (Gets something on his e-mail.) Hmmm. Mission Accepted. I'll rip Amuro off.   
Zechs: DA HITHER??!! 

Heero: (To Relena, depressed and sobbing.) BUT I DON'T WANNA PILOT MY GUNDAM! 

Relena goes OOC as well and hits Heero upside the head. Char and Amuro walk by... 

Char: Hey look, Amuro. Heero's ripping you off.   
Amuro: That's impossible. No one can be THAT handsome and rip me off like that. 

-=*=- 

Nina: What 'cha doin', Professor Rei? 

Tem: I'm devising the most powerful armor that can be used against those Zeeks! It's now in our final testing stage, madam! 

Unfortunately the armor had flunked the final test. Tem's bamboozled, and Nina turns white wish shock, as Dorothy walks by and admires her own crystal-tip-sharp eyebrows. 

-=*=- 

Gihren: What we need, dear siblings, is an anthem that fits the theme of our spirit.   
Garma/Kycilia: NO WAY! NOT A CHANCE!!   
Gihren: And why not?!   
Dozel: Remember what happened in Wing? 

(Flashback) 

Treize was doing OZ's anthem on his Fender "Prince Tribute." And he ending up ramming it through one of the speakers, setting it on fire, and praying it the destroyed piece of music history. 

(End Flashback) 

Gihren: So?! It ended up within the minds of millions; even after their "war" ended!   
Dozel: They ended up deaf for a long period of time as well, brother. I'd rather hear the sound of war than the sound of bad Jimi Hendrix impersonations.   
Gihren: Wuss. 

-=*=- 

During ZZ Gundam, Yazan Gerber suffers defeat in the hands of Judau's Zeta. He jumps out of the Geze junk MS and "parachutes" to safety while it crashes into Mashymer's Endora. Reliable sources say that he's dead... 

Kai: (As a news reporter.) We'll have more on that story as it unfolds. This is Kai Shiden for SBC News, Shangri-La. Alright, that's it!   
Yazan: (Carrying video camera.) About freakin' time! I need to smack somebody 'round somethin' awful! 

-=*=- 

At Side 2's 30 Branch, a peaceful pro-Zion rally is being held. And the Titans, in their worst showing of force, pump gas into the colony to show that they mean business. 

Pretty soon, everyone busts out laughing as if the deadliest joke rose from the dead and vengefully got back at everyone... 

Bosque(Hizack): Damn, wrong gas. I'll seriously have to hurt whoever's responsible for this. 

-=*=- 

Jamitov: Be careful, troops. They say that Quatro's a master of disguise. 

Jerid and Layla drag in a panicking Quatre towards the creepy Titans leader. 

Layla: Sir! We found this guy sneaking around and talking about "peace!" We think it might be Quatro!   
Quatre: I'm not! I swear by the richest mines in space that I'm not!   
Rozamia: Your troops sure are dense, Jamitov. 

Everyone turns to that hot-looking, purple-haired babe Rozamia. But she flings off "wig" and turns out to be Quatro in disguise. Everyone's in sheer shock. 

Jamitov: See? What did I tell you?   
Jerid: Yeah, but to dress up as a woman?! KAI SHIDEN WAS RIGHT!!   
Quatro: (Facevaults...) Now that hurts! 

-=*=- 

Allenby: I'm going to become the #1 idol singer! I'll do my best for everyone! (Starts singing some 80's style pop song.)   
Lupe: Oh. Being a pop idol singer is so much fun! (Starts singing the same type of song, but her lyrics are about war and the military.)   
Allenby: Huh? How can anybody be popular with lyrics like that? 

But she's shocked to find everyone swarming around Lupe and drooling over her. 

Chibodee: (Standing near Allenby.) Why do you think rap music is so popular? 

-=*=- 

Cima: Damn that Zion government! How dare they use me and then just throw me away like garbage! Now I have nowhere to go...!   
Circus Ringmaster: Excuse me, mistress. Would you like a job?   
Cima: Doing what? 

A day later, Trowa comes back to the circus after his work is finished as a Gundam pilot. He's "shocked" to find that Cima and her crew had taken his place as circus performers. 

Trowa: I guess I'm fired from that job... 

-=*=- 

Char: Here you go, Quess. Your personal Jagd Doga is equipped with six funnels...   
Quess: But the coloring's all bad! Here, let me do it! 

The war between Char's Neo-Zion and London Bell starts... With the later fleeing for their lives as Quess goes into the war with her Jagd Doga. ...Colored like a deranged Spice Girl. 

-=*=- 

Odelo finds Kai, Hayato, Mondo, and Beecha staring through a small hole in the ladies's lockers. 

Odelo: I wouldn't stay if I were you, guys.   
Beecha: And why not? What women do in the privacy of their own locker room is the best thing to experience. 

But the guys find an enraged Lady Une behind Odelo... 

Later on, the five guys are tied and strapped to big and heavy sacks. Lady Une, Marvette, Mora, Sally, Karen, and the Shrikes are doing football practice this season. And these guys are the "dummies" to train on. 

-=*=- 

Amuro: Char. You got a different helmet. What's up with that?   
Char: It's a... "Magic Helmet."   
Amuro: ...magic helmet...?!   
Char: Ye-s, magic helmet! And I'll give you a sa-mpl-le! 

Char then proceeds to wave his arms around. And a lightning strike nearly hits Amuro. 

Amuro: S-s-s- Someone's been watching WAY too much Bugs Bunny reruns. 

-=*=- 

As Slegger (Core Fighter) kamekazies the Big Zam from the underside, Amuro (Gundam) takes the opportunity to strike at the mobile armor. 

Dozel: Damn you Feddie punks! I'm a Zabi warrior and I refuse to bail out!   
Amuro: Oh yeah?! Well Buffy The Vampire Slayer's playing again, and you're missing the new episodes!   
Dozel: WHAT??!! AAAAAAAAHH!! 

Later on Dozel has been found watching Buffy on TV and stating how much he sucks. 

M'quve: At least Dozel is punctual. 

-=*=- 

Bright and Oscar are waiting for the elevator. But it's taking too long. 

Bright: Oh, for the love of Mike! This is a brand new ship! Why is it that these elevators don't work every time I need them?! 

But, as if it was on cue, the elevator door opens. Bright and Oscar end up meeting Sayla and (an extremely red-faced) Amuro. The two slide past the captain and speed off to parts known. 

Bright: Grrr... Darn the French and their need to turn everything into a make-out section.   
Oscar: Hmmm... We can also "darn the British" and their sense of humor.   
Bright: If you're referring to my collection of "Monty Python," then thank you so very much. 

-=*=- 

Aiguille: "Operation Stardust" is going according to plans, Gato.   
Anavel: Yes. For the sake of great justice, we must continue to fight! 

Aiguille and Gato walk into the lunchroom to find Misha and Bernard plastered on... Sake. 

Bernard: I tell ya, pal! Dish import shtuff ish great!   
Misha: Da, comrade. But it doesn't compare to the great strength of "Mother Russia's" own vodka! 

The first two Zion soldiers facevault to the floor... 

-=*=- 

Aiguille: (Televising to the world their theft of the Gundam GP02.) And this is what the Feds have been creating despite their whiny "Antarctic Treaty!" 

Eiphar: (Watching from the bridge of the Albion.) Dang! Those Zeeks are even more troublesome than those pilots and my crew! 

Aiguille: And this is for Captain Synapse of the Albion. Are we there yet? Are we there yet? 

The rest of Aiguille's crew, including Cima and grudgingly Anavel, gather up as they continue to chant "Are we there yet." This causes poor Eiphar to snap (from dealing with the same type of crap from Kou and his crew). He grabs his handgun and starts shooting at any TV in the ship yelling "SHUT UP!!" 


	3. Tarp's Magic Properties.

Disclaimer: Everything Gundam belongs to Sotsu Agency and Sunrise. Everything else belongs to their rightful owners.   
Beware of mad pitbulls with jaws powerful enough to rip off your head. ^_^; 

Disclaimer 2: This is only built for Cuban lynx. Gundam started in 1979; building up its following through reruns and sequels   
during the '80s. This is a collection of "joke grenades" dealing with characters from the original Mobile Suit Gundam, Zeta,   
Double Zeta, 0080 War In The Pocket, 0083 Stardust Memories, The 8th Platoon, Char's Counterattack, Victory Gundam,   
God Gundam, Wing Gundam / Endless Waltz, and finally Turn-A Gundam. But it leans more to the Universal Calendar than one would believe. At any rate: Here's more of the worst, just like the first. 

****************   
GUNDAM WORLD TEXT HUMOR MACH III   
**************** 

Amuro: I can't believe it! They've taken my face off of the "action figure" packages.   
Char: Do you wish to hear some more bad news? A parody of our movie is being made. 

A picture's shown of Char (wearing headgear that defies even Tomino's laws of masked rivals) and Amuro posing ala "Don't Be A Menace To South Central..." And the title reads: "Char Counterattacks with War in his Pocket, but Amuro sprinkles Stardust Formula 91 onto his hot Wings and Turn-A fish. So now him and his 8th Platoon are screaming for God as their Savior before they X'ed out into a land of ZZZ's!" 

Char-Nightingale: I'm going to kill the people behind that movie.   
Amuro: (Waving at Char with a hankerchief.) GOOD LUCK!! 

-=*=- 

Char, Quess, and Gyunei are taking the lightrail back home. The leader of Neo-Zion receives a bouquet of roses; waving at the kid down at the other end before everybody goes "Seig Zion!" And the guy with the accordian starts playing a tune for everyone to sing: 

Everyone: Char had slept with my girlfriend! And he'll sleep with your, too...! 

An anvil hits Char over the head as soon as _THAT_ song starts. Quess looks at him with a "What the hell?!" look on her face with Gyunei just holding his head in exasperation. 

-=*=- 

Masai Ungaba is in the seat of her late husband's Gelgoog-S... 

Masai: That's it. My decision is made. I will strike back at those Feds. And I will SWAT them! 

The next scene showing Masai-Gelgoog with a big, nasty fly-swatter and literally smacking the Gundam Team (Loux-Double Zeta, Elle-Hundred Type, Beecha-Zeta, and Mondo-Mark II) upside their heads. 

-=*=- 

Gato: Ahh! The magical properties of tarp! With it you can slip through any enclosed property with the ease of a civilized park squirrel. 

The next scene shows Gato hiding in Orville's truck when they slid past security at Torrington base in what's left of Australia. Then it shows Warren acting sick as he, Odelo, and Suzy sneak a missile launcher and its armaments past the Bike Team. 

Gato: It even does its wonders whilst hiding small munitions from patrols of overzelous dictatoralships like our own! Yes, fellow colons! The tarp shall give new meaning to the phrase: "COVER ME!" 

Meanwhile, poor Synapse had finally passed a measure to vehemently update security during a post-war era. 

-=*=- 

Quatre is found in one of the tents looking at the outside world with his binoculars. 

Quatre: The Earth is beautiful... It's just so beautiful... I wanna take off all my clothes and run around naked! 

Rommel: (Comes from behind him and bops him over the head with the Raketen Bazooka.) DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT, YOU OVERPOWERED MINERAL BARON!! 

-=*=- 

At Abowaku; the final stages of the 1YW... 

Soldier: Your mobile armor is ready, sir! It's 75% complete but it's operating at 100%!   
Char: Very good! Let's see it! 

Char takes a look at his new mobile armor... It's red (his favorite color), the commander's antenna is on it... And it's also just a pair of legs. Nothing else. Just a pair of legs and a Zaku head attacked to the upper parts of the legs. 

Soldier: Sir...?!   
Char: GELGOOG!! I wanna Gelgoog and I want one NOW!!   
Soldier: Uh... Yeah... 

-=*=- 

Shiden: You know they were gonna use UC mobile suits in Gundam Wing.   
Hayato: Well, how come they didn't? 

It's basically Trowa's fault. They couldn't find a mobile suit with enough weaponry to match the Heavyarms. 

Trowa: ..........   
Duo: Don't "............" me, Trowa! Damn! I wanted to pilot the Agguy, too. 

-=*=- 

Noin: Damn. There must be some way to get Zechs' attention.   
Chein: I got an idea for you. 

Zechs walks into the MS repair bay. Noin is calling him and he looks straight up... And ends up looking up Noin's SKIRT while she's on the stairs. 

Later on Zechs is crying in Treize's arms... 

Zechs: I've been mentally scarred for the rest of my natural life!   
Treize: It's okay... Just cry it off... -_-; 

And Noin is in the background having a hissy-fit. 

-=*=- 

Relena: (Giving her speech.) ...And it's important for everyone to understand the need for peace in this new era of humankind. We must work together... Hey! HEY!! 

Everyone's either fallen asleep or left to go somewhere else. 

Relena: Hey, you people! I'm an important figure who's trying to give a speech around here! You should lend me your ears with respect, you know!   
Maria: (Walking towards her.) You're doing it wrong, Ms. Peacecraft.   
Relena: Huh? Maria Pia Armonia of Zanscare BESPA.   
Maria: Let me show you how it's done. (Towards the crowd.) HEY!! I'M WEARING NO UNDERWEAR!! 

And with that, the crowd starts waking up and filling itself past the perscribed capacity. 

Maria: I KNOW WHAT Y'ALL WANT!! THAT MYSTERY MEAT THEY HAVE IN SCHOOL IS _SO_ LAST MILLENIUM AGO!! WHO'S WITH ME?!! 

And the crowd goes wild, leaving poor Relena in an even worse hissy-fit. 

-=*=- 

Bright: Let's bring the Argama around for another attack. That'll show Neo-Zion that we mean business. Torez, I want... HEY!! YOU'RE NOT TOREZ!!   
Treize: Impressive, Noah. You're not labled as the "eternal captain" just because of your good looks, I assume. 

Meanwhile, at OZ Headquarters... 

Lady Une: And I don't see why I have to recruit and train her.   
Torez: Kycilia's my girlfriend.   
Lady Une: Oh... 

-=*=- 

Kou: I don't care what everyone else says! I must win no matter what! 

BAM!! DRAW GAME!! 

Kou had been playing a VS. game with Allenby. 

Allenby: You've improved, young rookie.   
Kou: Don't make fun of me... 

-=*=- 

Noin finds her students beatened and bloodied up. 

Noin: (Holding one student.) Hey! Are you alright?! What happened here!   
Student: ...k... Ka...   
Noin: It must be the rebels. I can't believe how low they'll stoop to get back at the Alliance.   
Student: Ca~mi~ille...! 

And everybody within an earshot bursts out laughing before groaning in pain once again. 

Noin: Mental note: Expel Camille Vidan. 

-=*=- 

Following the popularity of shows like Sakura Wars and Battle Athletes, UC Gundam also tries their hand in casting multi-national characters in their shows. 

Enter Pha Yui Li; wearing bottle-cap glasses, a sexy Chinese wardrobe, and talking in Fu-Man-Chu dialect. 

Pha: Camille! You never mind those evil Titan soldiers and come spend time with me!   
Camille: DA-HECK??!! 

A flusterated Camille picks her up by the waist and runs to the nearest motel. 

Jerid: (Looking from afar.) That's funny. Usually it has a negative effect. 

-=*=- 

In a samurai-era Japanese home... 

Gundam: (Holding a sobbing GM in her embrace.) I am so sorry, sir! I don't have enough money to pay this month's taxes!   
Gouf: (Holding a big, nasty heat sword.) Well then! If you can't pay me with money... Then I'll take the GM as payment instead! 

Haman comes in and smacks Minerva over the head. She's been collecting MSiA's and, when it comes to scene recreations, she's just as bad as her father Dozel. 

-=*=- 

Lady Une: All your favorite straberry-flavored soap has been stolen, general!   
Treize: W... What?! 

Aiguille: He's willing to give the Zion Dukedom a lot of independence for mere bottles of soap.   
Gateau: And to think I have it bad. 

-=*=- 

Camille (Zeta) flies straight toward Jerid (Byarlant) with its beam sword ready to stab. But Maua (Hizack) flies into his way just in time. 

Jerid: MAUA!!!   
Maua: I will always protect you, Jerid. No matter what happens. 

But the actual scene has Camille (who was trying to get the beam sword out of the way) feeling up Maua's chest. 

Maua: Kid! What the hell are you doing?!   
Jerid: (Carrying off an angered Pha.) Great idea, kid! Let's swap girlfriends!   
Maua: SCUSE ME??!! 

-=*=- 

Sarah: (Holding a box of chocolate to a confused Paptimus.) Nnnnnnnnn! Paptimus-sama! 

Flanders: (Wagging his tail.) Nnnnnnnnn! 

Frannie: (Petting Flanders as he licks her face.) Now this is something you don't see everyday.   
Paptimus: [I just hope that Sarah doesn't lick MY face.] 

-=*=- 

Neo-Zion ladies do-NOT make good dates: 

Elpe Puru spends WAY too much time taking her bath. 

Haman: (Pointing her gun at you.) Now. Let's begin our date. 

Chara: I wanna go in there with you. But I CAN'T!! OH, THE PAIN!! I'M GONNA DIE!! 

Nanai throw her glass of wine at you if you inadvertantly mention the name of any other woman. 

-=*=- 

Ranba: (Lighting up a Motolov Coctail.) I guess I don't have a choice, do I? I'm gonna have to blow that Gundam up myself.   
Bright: WAIT!! The wine's not Corning's! 

Ranba takes a look at Bright and his armed men... Then he takes a look at his makeshift weapon... 

Ranba: Damn. And it's such a waste too... 

He tosses it aside; blowing up Bright and most of his men with the blast. 

-=*=- 

Mashymer: So, dear Gordon, what do you think of the characters from the new Turn-A Gundam?   
Gordon: I don't like 'em. They spend way too much time naked! 

Sochie: That's because WE HAVE NO WORKING PLUMBING, DUMB-@$$!!   
Rolan: Besides, we Moonies are taught to respect being nakedness. 

Mashymer: I believe he's mad because there's no action.   
Gordon: No... It just gets in the way of those way-cool MS fights. 

-=*=- 

A sign that Gundam creator Yoshiyuki Tomino may be losing it: 

Diana: LOVE AND PEACE!! AND FULL FRONTAL NUDITY!! Oh, hey you! Let's switch places, okay?!   
Kiel: Excuse me...? 

A sign that Gundam creator Yoshiyuki Tomino is REALLY losing it: 

Hayato: Enemy mobile suits?! I'll take them like a piss!   
Bright: THAT'S IT!! I QUIT!! 

-=*=- 

Meshie: Frankly, I don't understand how we can defeat the Moonrace with MS that had been dug up and unused for Tomino knows how long!   
Gavane: Ah, but we ain't got to them "best parts" yet, sweety. 

And out from the hiding of the trees; a team of Zaku II's, a Zaku I, a team of Doms, a couple of Goufs, and some Zugocks appear. 

Char is laying on the couch, with Amuro (wearing an apron) standing above him; watching Turn-A Gundam on TV. 

Char: Apparently someone over at Sotsu Agency and Sunrise wanted to do some real justice with the "mono-eyes."   
Amuro: Either that or they wanted to make the old Zion MS popular again. -_-; 


	4. We're Black Tristars! And...

Disclaimer: Everything Gundam belongs to Sotsu Agency and Sunrise. Everything else belongs to their rightful owners. Beware of mad pitbulls with jaws powerful enough to rip off your head. ^_^; 

Disclaimer 2: This is only built for Cuban lynx. Gundam started in 1979; building up its following through reruns and sequels during the '80s. This is a collection of "joke grenades" dealing with characters from the original Mobile Suit Gundam, Zeta, Double Zeta, 0080 War In The Pocket, 0083 Stardust Memories, The 8th Platoon, Char's Counterattack, Victory Gundam, God Gundam, Wing Gundam / Endless Waltz, and finally Turn-A Gundam. But it leans more to the Universal Calendar than one would believe. At any rate: Here's more of the worst, just like the first. 

****************   
GUNDAM WORLD TEXT HUMOR MACH IV   
**************** 

The Black Trinary Doms are zooming towards the White Base for an attack. 

Marsh: We are the ultimately superb Black Trinary!   
Ortega: Dat's Rite! An' we ain' lettin' dose stinkin' Feddies take us down wifout a fite!   
Gaia: There's the White Base over there! Let's go and... Why are they having a white flag up? 

Bright: (Trying miserably to control Kats, Rets, and Kikka.) Because we're all messed up from having to take care of our own bloody "Triple Terror!" 

-=***=- 

Mirai and her daughter Cheimin are walking along a wall with lots of names on them (yet again). 

Cheimin: Wow! I didn't realize that Char had slept with so many women during his time.   
Mirai: That's not the same wall. This is all the women that had came onto Victory Gundam's Usso Irving. 

Odelo: CURSE YOU, YOU DAMN GIRL-STEALING PUNK!!   
Usso: (Doing repairs on his Gundam.) Hey, how was I suppose to know that I might be related to Char?! 

-=***=- 

Relena Peacecraft is having another one of those speeches about "peace" with Romefeller Foundation. 

Senator 1: Are you out of your natural mind?! You can't just come in here and parade around with your "peace crafts" in hopes of changing some views!   
Relena: And just what part of peace do you not understand, you ****?! What do you ****ing want me to ****ing do, parade around ****ing naked?! You ****ing scenicks!   
Senator 2: I'm beginning to agree with her views already.   
Senator 3: I think that Haro thingy screwed with her mind too much. 

-=***=- 

Rezun and Gyunei finds a deeply depressed Char in some dark corner... 

Gyunei: CHAR! SIR! What happened to you?!   
Char: I... I slept w...   
Recoa: (Just walked in.) This poor nut found out that he slept with some guy dressed as a girl.   
Rezun: Naw! Get outta here! Like I'm suppose to believe that! I mean, we're talking about the same guy who bent Garma over and made him his "he-bitch."   
Recoa: "Char makes love to both men and women." He said NOTHING about guys dressing up as women! 

Loran: (Dressed up as Lola Roller.) WELL EXCU~SE ME!! 

-=***=- 

Fara and Lupe finds Shaqi taking care of the baby Carlman. 

Lupe: You know, Gundam Wing nearly had a baby as part of the cast.   
Fara: What happened? They found out that Relena wasn't a good foster-mother? 

We then cut back to a scene where Treize was taking care of some random baby. The directors of Wing decided that it was not a good idea rating-wise, despite Treize's superb fatherly attributes. 

-=***=- 

Marsh: WE ARE THE BLACK TRINARIES!! And... HEY!! Where's Ortega and Gaia?!   
Duo: They said they couldn't make it. Flight delays and all that, you know.   
Marsh: But what am I gonna do?! We were suppose to attack Amuro during the next episode!   
Po Eiji: (Coming from out of her shower.) Huh?! Do what? Attack who? 

Later on... 

Amuro: (In his Gundam, confused.) Uh... Who are you...?   
Marsh: (In Dom #1.) I! AM THE BLACK STAR! ^_^;   
Dou: (In Dom #2, with a beam scythe.) AND I'M THE STAR OF DEATH!   
Po: (In Dom #3, crying with joy[?]) AND I'M THE JADE DRAGON! I can't believe this is happening! I'm so happy!   
Amuro: Sayla, YOU fight them. This is too wack for me. 

-=***=- 

Gremmy: For the love of Mike! I'm already deep into this rewritten part of Double Zeta, and now one of my Puru clones is missing! Huh? Puru #16!   
Puru: Wrong! I! Am Neo-German Puru!   
Gremmy: (Walks away is disgust.) Forget it! You're expendable!   
Puru: You're so mean! I was only joking! 

Swartz: Are we back to making fun of me, now? 

-=***=- 

Gateau: FOR THE GLORY OF ZION! WE MUST CONTINUE FIGHTING!! 

Fuunsaiki: Yeah! Go Gateau! 

Gateau: AAH!! The horse is talking! 

Flanders: And he is a great horse to talk with, comrad. 

Later on... 

Gateau: And the dog was talking as well! With an Eastern European accent!   
Augille: Maybe you should change your nickname to "Solomon's Nightmare Victim." 

-=***=- 

Bright: (Bringing a suitcase to Sayla.) I told Kai to keep this confidential... 

Bright hands her the suitcase (supposedly from her brother Casper). She opens it up... And a pie hits her in the face... 

Sayla: (In Gundam; wielding a big, nasty beam fish.) CAPSER!! YOU ARE GOING TO DIE!!   
Char: (In his Gelgoog.) I guess my sister didn't find my joke funny. -_-; 

-=***=- 

Aina: Hey! What are you doing with my Zaku-Dom prototype?!   
Astonage: Huh? Me and Camille have this great idea. We're going to combine the parts from Gundam Mark II and the Dom. Then we're going to use the movable frame. 

Much later, as the Titans attack a colony, they suddenly find themselves fighting against AEUG's "Zeta-Dom." (Which is basically a Zeta with the Dom's head, lower legs, and bazooka.) 

Jerid: (In his Hizack.) I think I'm gonna be sick!   
Layla: (In her Galbaldy Beta.) Yeah! I hope they don't make more Zeta-Doms in that color scheme either! 

-=***=- 

Rain: Welcome to "Gundam Talk." I'll now hand you over to our special guests. Take it away! 

The scene switches to Frau Beau, Lady Une, and Katejina Ruth as they start talking... In German. 

Rain: HEY!! Stop that! I can't understand a word you're saying! 

Kai: (Behind the camera.) Well; if you can't understand them, you'll have a full-blown migrain trying to cope with our next guests. 

Kai's refering to Pha Yui Li, Po Eiji, and Chen Agi (who are already speaking Cantonese). 

-=***=- 

Marsh(Dom): WE ARE THE BLACK TRINARIES!! An-   
Wufei(Shenlong): I STAND FOR JUSTICE!! 

The Black Trinaries (in their Doms), as well as Amuro (in his Gundam), take a moment to look towards Wufei (in his Shenlong Gundam) like it grew an extra head on its shoulders. 

Wufei: Uh... Aren't we suppose to fight now?   
Matilda: AMURO NO!! (Comes into the scene and whacks Wufei/Shenlong over his head with her Core Fighter.) 

-=***=- 

Heero: Gateau thinks he's all that, does he? Well he won't be so high and mighty when I steal his N- His Newe- His Neuter- Hiz Z- Damn! 

Gateau: HAHAHAH!! You can't even say the Nu Aziel's name straight! Why would anybody take YOU seriously as a pilot?! 

Heero: SHUT UP!! At least I can speak both English and Japanese! 

Gateau: Oui, mais un pilote vrai ne se limite pas aux langages qu'il vit autour. (French: Yes, but a true pilot does not limit himself to the languages he lives around.) 

Heero: Eat some Mad-Cow meat and die, dammit! 

-=***=- 

Chen (in the borrowed ReGZ) fires at Quess (Alpha Aziel). She flings Hathaway (Jegan) out of the way before the missile takes the mobile armor and her life. 

Hathaway: You! YOU KILLED QUESS! YOU BITCH!!   
Chen: You would've had to kill her anyway, you know!   
Hathaway: WHAT?! Why would I?! 

Chen shows him the scene from the "novel version" where Quess goes totally "Pit-Yorkie" and nearly funeralizes Amuro. 

Hathaway finally understands. But later on Chen would end up dying anyway out of the shock of finding out that Amuro's actually gay and was "going steady" with Char for a long while. 

**************** 

Hey. I feel like some Vandread. Here's something for you. 

-=*****=- 

Bart: Hey! What's going on?! Where's the music?! Where's all the peachy-keen opening and ending music at?!   
Parfet: (From the engineering room.) Sorry! The Muzak machine's totally 86'ed and I can't do a thing about it until we get parts!   
Bart: Oh crap! Now what are we gonna do?!   
Gascogne: You shouldn't worry your pretty little head off, baby. Jura and Barnette said that they were gonna do something about it... 

The PA systems starts cackling and booming... 

Barnette: (Over the PA.) Uh... *A-HEM!* Aaaa! AAAA!! Testing! One, two, three, four... What?! We're on?! OOPS!! Okay... (Starts singing some weird background music.) 

Jura: (Acting like some wild-out DJ.) IT'S FRIDAY, FRIDAY, FRIDAY HERE ON MTV!! AND IN THE NEXT HOUR WE'RE GONNA HAVE SOME VANDREAD!! AN ULTRA-COOL SHOW ABOUT WOMEN, and some guys, FIGHTING AGAINST THE ELEMENTS AND SOME ENTITIES OF THE UNKNOWN!! WITNESS AS THEY CLIMB THEIR NICE, HOT ASSES INTO THEIR BITCHIN', COOL-ASS MECHA OF CHOICE!! SHIVER IN AMAZEMENT AS THEY DEFEAT THEIR ENEMIES IN ONE SINGLE BLOW!! 

Barnette starts impersonating the dropping of a bomb and the explosion that happens next. 

And as Jura continues with her "commercial," Hibiki holds his head in shame whilst Dita (who's next to him) wonders what's wrong. 

Hibiki: The next casting Sunrise holds for any new Gundam series; I'm definitely going for it!   
Dita: That's so cruel, Mr. Alien. Barnette makes such nice "bomb drops." 


	5. Look Out, There's A Tiger Behind You!

Disclaimer: Everything Gundam belongs to Sotsu Agency and Sunrise. Everything else belongs to their rightful owners. Beware of mad pitbulls with jaws powerful enough to rip off your head. ^_^; 

Disclaimer 2: This is only built for Cuban lynx. Gundam started in 1979; building up its following through reruns and sequels during the '80s. This is a collection of "joke grenades" dealing with characters from the original Mobile Suit Gundam, Zeta, Double Zeta, 0080 War In The Pocket, 0083 Stardust Memories, The 8th Platoon, Char's Counterattack, Victory Gundam, God Gundam, Wing Gundam / Endless Waltz, and finally Turn-A Gundam. But it leans more to the Universal Calendar than one would believe. At any rate: Here's more of the worst, just like the first. 

****************   
GUNDAM WORLD TEXT HUMOR MACH V   
**************** 

Zechs: Forget it, Heero. You're no match for my superb rapping skills... Huh?   
Heero: Rapping skills? What? You'z a rapper now?   
Zechs: No, my script's been written wrong...   
Heero: Oh, so you "Biggie" now?   
Zechs: (Starts walking away.) Joke's over, Heero. Now leave me alone!   
Heero: (Chases after him.) Ooh, you "Pac" now, huh?   
Zechs: GET AWAY FROM ME! 

-=***=- 

Sochie: LET'S GO, LORAN!!   
Loran: Uh... Where are we going?   
Sochie: To pilot mobile suits! To fight against the Moonrace! I wanna be seen more!   
Loran: Aren't you getting too carried away...?   
Sochie: You DO wanna go out with my sister, right?   
Loran: ...aiiee... -_-; 

The next scene shows Sochie (Turn-A Gundam) chasing a crying Po (Waddom) with a beam sabre. 

Kiel: Well... There goes our peace process... 

-=***=- 

Finding out that the Feds created a Gundam; Char's Zion ship attacks as he flies out in his mobile suit. The injured admiral starts panicking. 

Bright: What's wrong, Admiral?   
Admiral: That MS! It belongs to the "Multi-Paletted Comet!"   
Random Officer: Heh! The way it's been painted, it might as well be the "Seizure-Inducing Comet."   
Bright: Oh, for the love of... You there, in the Gundam! Whatever you do; DON'T LOOK DIRECTLY AT THAT MOBILE SUIT!! Hey, where are you going...? 

Amuro(Gundam): I'm quitting! This is WAY too messed up for me!   
Char(Zaku IIs): Well at least I'm not PINK, damn you! 

-=***=- 

Gateau(Physalis): Don't be so sloppy! I could've struck you down right there!   
Kou(Zephyranthes): Yes, sir!   
Gateau(Physalis): I'M YOUR ENEMY, YOU idi... waitaminute... 

South(GM Command): Kou! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING??!! 

The two Gundams are siting down around a campfire with the Zephy taking notes. 

Gateau: And it's also important to keep your ears open. Computers aren't always reliable.   
Kou: Yes, sir. 

-=***=- 

Pha: Camille... You'd never punch a woman in the face, would you?   
Camille: Of course not. Why would I wanna do something as low as... 

Shrike Team: CA~MI~ILLE!! 

Oliver: (Finding the Shrikes smacked upside their heads.) Now who would be as low as to do something like that?   
Marvette: (Sweatdropping...) I'll give you three clues... 

-=***=- 

Bernie(Zaku FZ): All I have to do is defeat the Gundam. Besides... I have a lot of traps set out for it. 

The Gundam NT makes its way towards the Zaku FZ. But it trips on a wire... And a cake pan falls on top of its head. 

Chris(Gundam NT): ........! Okay, that was stupid. I surrender.   
Bernie: YES! 

-=***=- 

Misha(Kaempfer): I, MIKHAIL KAMINSKY OF ZION, CHALLENGE YOU TO A DUEL!! 

Misha then finds someone in a building that has the Gundam inside it. He zooms the picture to find... Treize holding a sword up and ready for said "duel." 

Misha: I MEANT TO DUEL IN A GUNDAM, YOU SCENICK!   
Treize: What? You can't get out of your MS and have a duel with me?   
Misha: Unless you know how to wrestle!   
Lady Une: (Standing behind Treize.) I'll take him on!   
Treize: Lady Une, I doubt that...   
Misha: IT'S A DEAL, WOMAN!! 

-=***=- 

Gateau: I proclaim this Gundam, and it's nuclear warhead, in the name of Zion! 

Everyone else pauses... And there's some fumbling around within the Physalis' cockpit... 

Gateau: Uh... Yeah... Um...   
Nina: HA-HA!! But guess who has the keys to it, biyatch?! 

-=***=- 

Zechs makes it to one of OZ's bases; stepping outside and walking towards the building. He passes by a soldier who's near the entrance. 

Zechs: You there!   
Soldier: Yes, sir?   
Zechs: Stay focused. The last thing... ...we need... OH MY GOD YOU'RE UGLY!! 

Director: CUT! CUT! 

Zechs: But why?! Why must I be surrounded by such ugly people?!   
Soldier: What's wrong, punk? Your boyfriend did you too hard?   
Director: How many times do I have to tell you? These guys are Mr Tomino's "Constants." 

-=***=- 

Heero: (Pointing his gun at Junko.) I'll kill you, Junko Jenko.   
Junko: What?! You're gonna kill me?! Just who the hell do you think you are, you punk?! 

An extremely angered Junko grabs Heero by the ears, headbutts him into submission, and rubs him between her breasts. 

Odelo: I guess the commercial had it right when it said that "nobody doesn't like the bull."   
Usso: That's "nobody DOES IT like the bull..." Sheesh...! 

-=***=- 

The scene where Wufei's out at night, surrounded by hyenas. 

Wufei: GE-ET A-WAAAaaaaayyyyaaaaahhhh....!!! 

Director: ...Wufei...? 

Wufei: (Sneezes...) 

Random Hyena: So the guy's alergic to fur after all, huh? Ha-hah!   
Flanders: Da, comrade. It is such an empty feeling to deal with these weak animals. ^_^ 

-=***=- 

Shiro and Terry (from their Gundams on the ground) spot the Gouf Flight Type being tested in the air. 

Shiro(Gundam Ez8): So THIS is the Flying Gouf?! How the hell does Zion think they'll win with a junk heep like that?!   
Terry(Gundam Ground Type): I don't know... But I think we better move out of the way before... 

Just then, the GFT crashes right on top of the two Feds. 

Ginias: YES!! Ain't that the hit or ain't THAT the HIT!!   
Aina: That's it. Where's my parachute? 

-=***=- 

Usso helps out a couple of stranded Zanscare troopers by giving them some extra oxygen tanks. 

Godwald: I'm so ashamed... Being helped out by the enemy... By the way, my name is Godwald Hein. I'm known as Zanscare's "Look Out, There's A Tiger Behind You."   
Usso: "Look out, there's a tiger behind you?!"   
Godwald: WHERE??!! 

Meanwhile, at Zanscare's base... 

Maria: So, brother, shall we shoot them now or wait until they get back?   
Chronicle: No, that's for later on. 

-=***=- 

Aiguille Delaz is televizing to the world his loyal soldier's recent capture of the GP02 Physalis. 

Aiguille: Friends, foes, and those I don't know! Lend me your eyes and ears for I have captured from the Federation... What the HELL DID YOU DO TO IT??!! 

Said Gundam is merely a super-imposed image of the recently built MG Physalis model... Posed to flip gang signs like some deranged Blood/Crip member. 

Karius: Shall I proceed to kick the ass of that moron who did this, sir?   
Aiguille: Yeah, sure. 

-=***=- 

Relena Peacecraft is holding "Pacifist Lectures" over at her school in the Sanq Kingdom. Her class is composed of characters from other Gundam shows, of course... 

Relena: Now class, it's time we learned about how to spread the message of peace during times of war. (Sees Chuck raise his hand.) ...which has NOTHING to do with women flinging their clothes off and surrendering their bodies! 

Chuck: Aww crap! 

Soshie: (Standing up from her seat.) And what's wrong with it, princess?! Just because we're "flat" doesn't mean you can exclude that as an option! 

Soshie proceeds to fling her clothes off at an instant and showing her nakedness in from of the bewildered class. And Chuck proceeds to do the dirty deed with her. 

Relena: (Silently cursing...) The least you can do is use a condom, people... 

-=***=- 

Amuro (in his Re-GZ) flies around the Axis asteroid, under a heavy rain of bullets and laser fire, in search of Char. He finds him, piloting... Whatever the hell piece of crap MS it is. 

Amuro: What's up with you, speedball?! The mecha designers forgotten who your real alias is?!   
Char: Yeah, sure! Make fun of my MS! You're STILL no match for me! And besides, I got this on sale!   
Amuro: "You got that on sale!" And from where, I'm afraid to ask, did you get it?! On sale?! 

Kelly: CRAZY KELLY'S AMAZING EMPORIUM OF TOTAL BARGAIN MOBILE SUIT MADNESS!! (Starts laughing uncontrollably.)   
Lateura: (Reading the script.) Okay, where's the part where _I'M_ put out of my misery? 

-=***=- 

Heero: (Pointing his gun at Ino.) This is the end, Ino Abbav.   
Ino: Huh? YIKES!! 

But Elle comes in with a flying kick to Heero's head. 

Elle: NO YOU WILL NOT BE KILLING INO ABBAV OR ANYBODY ELSE MISTER HOMOCIDAL PSYCHOPATH!!   
Heero: But it's the only line in my script.   
Relena: (Looking over the main script.) He's right, you know... 

-=***=- 

Bosque: (In his Hizack as he starts pumping gas into Side 1's 30 Branch.) HAH!! I'll show these Colons a thing or two! This'll be the last time they start preaching their propaganda about Newtypes! 

The Titans had managed to hush up their dreaded works on an official level. But word spreads rapidly about what had happened over at the 30th Branch of Side 1... 

...where everyone woke up around twelve hours later and wondered why sleeping gas had been pumped into their home colony. 

-=***=- 

Rakan: So you're going to be Minerva Zabi's regent, huh? I doubt such a young, nubile woman can be capable of handling such a large task.   
Haman: Don't get me wrong, Dakaran. Age has nothing to do with my talents. I'll show you the reaches of my power when it comes to the political world. 

Yazan: (Suddenly busts in with his trademark angered look on his face.) ALRIGHT!! I'D LIKE TO FIND THE [censored] [censored] WHO DECIDED TO [oh, you get the idea] MY ZETA GUNDAM DVD SET!!   
Haman: (Instantly reverting to her little-girl personality.) Ya~za~n! Plea~ze buy me ice crea~m!   
Yazan: ...oooohhhh crap...!   
Rakan: And so our "lady" says... 


	6. Ha-ha-ha! Look at you!

Disclaimer:ÿ Everything Gundam belongs to Sotsu Agency and Sunrise.ÿ Everything else belongs to their rightful owners.ÿ Beware of mad pitbulls with jaws powerful enough to rip off your head.ÿ ^_^; 

****************   
GUNDAM WORLD TEXT HUMOR   
****************

Judau:ÿ Beecha.ÿ Have you seen my sister?  
Beecha:ÿ Oh yeah!ÿ She went to that free school we talked about earlier.  
Judau:ÿ "Free school..."ÿ Uh...ÿ Beecha...ÿ There's a reason why I didn't want her going to that school.  
Beecha:ÿ And why is that?  
  
M.Asia:ÿ What's wrong with it, punk?!ÿ It's my school of Touhou Fuuhai, the greatest school ever known among the seven Sides!  
  
Next to Master Asia is Leina (Judau's sister) in a kung-fu uniform practicing martial arts.  
  
-=***=-  
  
Kou:ÿ Kelly's out there with his mobile armor!ÿ I need to stop it!ÿ Is the GP1 repaired yet?!  
Nina:ÿ No, not yet.ÿ You just have to make due with what we have, Kou.  
Kou:ÿ You mean to tell me that...?!  
  
Kelly (Val Varo):ÿ This is it!ÿ If I can't join in the fight, then I'll go out wi- *BUNP!*ÿ OW!ÿ Hey!ÿ What the hell?!ÿ A HARO??!!  
Kou (Oversided Haro):ÿ SHUT UP!!  
  
-=***=-  
  
Treize:ÿ I challenge you, Kai.  
Kai:ÿ Hey, waitaminute!ÿ I'm no fighter.  
Treize:ÿ Who said anything about a fight.ÿ I heard that you take the best of pictures.ÿ (Holding his Polaroid camera.)ÿ And I challenging you to a photo-taking duel.  
Kai:ÿ Your decision to leave OZ is really hitting you hard, huh?  
  
-=***=-  
  
Relena:ÿ Sayla.ÿ Your brother and Amuro really shouldn't fight.ÿ This is no way to create peace.  
  
But Sayla socks her in the face.  
  
Relena:ÿ Hey!ÿ Why did you hit me?!  
  
Sayla:ÿ Because you're a [censored] [censored] [censored] who plays with her snot.  
  
Relena:ÿ THAT DOES IT!!ÿ HOW DARE YOU MENTION THIS ABOUT ME IN PUBLIC!!  
  
And the fight between the two ladies starts.ÿ Amuro and Char, and then Heero and Zechs look onwards with sweatdrops on their faces.  
  
-=***=-  
  
Gremmy:ÿ You, Puru, are pure perfection.ÿ And I need you to pilot the Quin Mantra and...ÿ WHAT THE HECK??!!  
  
Puru-Two ends up acting like Mashymer Cello (including the uniform, purple hair, and plastic rose).  
  
Rakan:ÿ (Holding some small test tubes.) I couldn't stand your clones looking the same.ÿ So I gave them some DNA so they can look and act differently.  
  
Gremmy:ÿ HEY!!ÿ DON'T PLAY WITH MY SCIENCE, DAMMIT!!  
  
-=***=-  
  
Heero, in his Wing Zero Custom, prepares to fire his Twin Buster Rifles at the falling meteor.ÿ And the resulting explosion occurs.  
  
Relena:ÿ Yay!ÿ Heero did it!ÿ He...ÿ Deflected the meteor...ÿ Heero...?  
Sally:ÿ He wasn't supposed to deflect the meteor...?  
  
Unfortunately, the Wing Zero Custom had been heavily damaged from said explosion.  
  
Heero:ÿ (Eyes spiralling.)ÿ ...misfire...  
  
-=***=-  
  
Amuro (Gundam):ÿ Hmmm...ÿ I know my mission is to destroy A'Bao A'Qu, but my Newtype reaction's telling me that Char's nearby.  
  
Suddenly, a red and pink Ziong flies through space and passes the Gundam by.  
  
Amuro:ÿ Yep.ÿ I'm pretty sure that Char's nearby, somewhere.  
  
Char (Ziong):ÿ HEY, CHUCKIE!!ÿ I'M RIGHT OVER HERE!!  
  
Amuro:ÿ Huh?ÿ Naw, that can't be him!ÿ I mean, what idiot sticks himself out with a red and pink mobile suit?  
  
Char:ÿ (Chases Amuro/Gundam around as he starts zapping him.)ÿ For the last time, it's NOT PINK!!ÿ It's NOT PINK, you damn Shinji Ikari blueprint!  
Amuro:ÿ SO~RRY!  
  
-=***=-  
  
American media cowardice strikes the G-Gundam TV series:  
  
Delete all mentioning of religion.  
Chibodee:ÿ Oh for the love of Jesus H. Christ!  
  
Rename all mobile suits with ethnically insulting names.  
Gundam Nether:ÿ Huh?ÿ "Hurricane Gundam?"ÿ You couldn't call me "Dutch Gundam" or "Gundam Holland?"  
  
Insert all advertisement of American products.  
We see a billboard of Allenby holding a 16 oz. bottle of Pepsi as we hear Master Asia kicking the collective asses of the people behind the changes.  
  
-=***=-  
  
Jerid:ÿ (Walking down the hallway.)ÿ Yep.ÿ I'm gonna make sure these Aeugers will never lay a finger on our Mark II's.ÿ Hey, Layla!ÿ How's the...?ÿ Who's your friend?  
  
Layla:ÿ (Standing next to Maua and sharing the dreaded "love-love arm grip.")ÿ Well, boy.ÿ This is Maua Pharaoh, Layla's "girlfriend."  
  
Maua:ÿ (Making a face.)ÿ Hmph!ÿ I'm not for any guy to play with!  
  
Yazan:ÿ (Meeting up with the crew.)ÿ HA!ÿ You got dumped, MeSs Jockey!  
  
Jerid:ÿ Wow.ÿ That must be bad.ÿ It's a good thing I met Jamaican, though. (Suddenly goes all starrey-eyed...)  
  
Yazan:ÿ [ALRIGHT!!ÿ THAT'S IT!!ÿ I'M JOINING NEO-ZION!!]  
  
-=***=-  
  
Victor:ÿ I am Victor Gaintz, head of the "Perfect Peace People."ÿ And I'm not sure why I'm included in this God-forsaken parody of the little tidbits that happen during many of the popular Gundam series, but I'll let you know this much.ÿ I will NOT let this interfere with my "sublime mission!"  
  
He then looks out the window into space and takes notice of a lime floating by...  
  
Victor:ÿ (Grimacing...)ÿ And one was assaulted...ÿ Peanut...ÿ Haahahahahaha...ÿ MAKE UP!!  
  
-=***=-  
  
Gihren:ÿ I understand that you're a collector of fine art, M'Quve.  
M'Quve:ÿ Of course.ÿ One must take note that the knowledge of our history is important to the trials of our future.  
  
The two pass by the busts of Joseph Stalin, Aristotle,ÿ ...and Chara Soon(??!!)  
  
Gihren:ÿ I believe that the last ones were the biggest-  
M'Quve:ÿ Shut the hell up.  
  
-=***=-  
  
Domon (Burning Gundam):ÿ BROTHER!!ÿ I've come to take revenge for our family!  
  
But Kyoji, in his Devil Gundam, is stuck in his fit of laughter.ÿ And all Domon could do is...ÿ Join in with him.  
  
Kyoji:ÿ What the hell are you laughing about?!ÿ This is the serious part!  
Domon:ÿ (Still laughing...)ÿ Your Mobile Suit!ÿ What the hell's with your mobile suit??!!  
  
Rain:ÿ (Popping up in her SD form.)ÿ Well, Kyoji thought that it would distract his opponent when he bought it.ÿ But it ended up distracting him as well.  
  
-=***=-  
  
Degwin:ÿ Gihren, my son...ÿ Do you know that you're the tail-end of Charlie Chapman?  
Gihren:ÿ ...huh?ÿ Charlie Chapman?  
Degwin:ÿ Hey.ÿ I can't help it if he looks like Adolf Hitler.  
Gihren:ÿ (Grimacing.)ÿ [It's your fault, you fool.ÿ Who the hell watches a double billing of "Chapman's Best Routines" with Hitler documentaries?]  
  
-=***=-  
  
Lucette:ÿ Here we go, Kou.ÿ The GP03 "Orchid" is ready to go.ÿ But I must warn you tha-  
Kou:ÿ YES!!ÿ Now I can finally defeat that Zeek Anavel Gateau!  
Lucette:ÿ STEREO SYSTEM.  
Kou:ÿ Huh?ÿ Stereo system?ÿ What am I suppose to do with that?!  
  
And the final battle between the Feds and Delaz Fleet starts.ÿ Gateau, in his Neue Ziel, sees the Dendrobium Orchid fly into the scene...ÿ And suddenly had to cover his ears when he hears it blasting post-Romanian polka music into everybody's radio.  
  
An armistice had been formed...  
  
Kou:ÿ HEY!!ÿ YA GOTTA PROBLEM WITH POST-ROMANIAN POLKA MUSIC??!!ÿ YOU PELIGANS!!  
  
-=***=-  
  
Soldier:ÿ A white mobile suit is coming this way, Char!ÿ Should we shoot at it?!  
Char:ÿ Yes, we should shoot at it.ÿ Give it machine guns.ÿ Give it so many rounds of machine guns that 1st Gundam elitist fans won't even recognize it.  
  
Zechs:ÿ (Sobbing...) Will you quit making fun of me...? 


End file.
